2 Months

The last month has been testing on our family to say the least. In Sleepless in Seattle, there's a quote that says, "What is that called, when everything intersects?" And Tom Hanks answers, "The Bermuda Triangle." 

I've definitely felt like the odds were stacked against us. First of all, adding a newborn to any family is an adjustment, but honestly, the first month wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Then around 5 or 6 weeks, Grant seemed to get a little more difficult. I've always thought that he was more demanding than Meili, but maybe he knew he needed to be just to get some kind of attention in the family. But at about 5 weeks, I noticed that he just never seemed content, and would just kind of squirm all the time when he was laying down. One night, I handed him off to Josh when he got home from work, like I usually do, as I ran around the house doing laundry and dishes, etc. And it seemed like Grant cried the whole night. Josh was at a loss with him, but I just kind of rolled my eyes, thinking, "I deal with it all day. Now it's your turn." Josh spent that night researching colic online. My mom came up to watch Grant the next day, and I made a joke to her about how difficult Josh thinks Grant is.

I called my mom half through the day while I was at work, and she said, "Well I'm having a hard time finding something that will make him happy." She said that she couldn't get him to sleep, and she couldn't do much with Meili all day because he was grumpy all day. I started thinking that maybe there was something going on with Grant if Grandma who was willing to hold him all day couldn't even keep him happy. I told my mom that maybe he needed better naps. So I took him home and immediately put him down for a nap and he slept for a couple hours.

It seemed like it just got worse and worse for almost a week. I tried to create a nap routine, but no matter how long I rocked him, he would wake up the second I put him down. We had tried gas drops, and I called the Doctor's office and talked with the nurse about colic. She asked me if he seemed to be swallowing even when he wasn't eating or if he spit up a lot because she was wondering about acid reflux. I didn't notice either of those symptoms (until she mentioned them, of course, then it totally seemed like maybe he had reflux.) Then I talked with a girl in the mother's room at church, and she said that he doctor recommended that she pump half an ounce of milk before she fed her baby, because the milk at the beginning has more sugar and is harder for babies to digest. That totally made sense to me! (Especially because my diet had been so high in sugar lately anyway.) But then when I went home and started researching I read online about a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance. The symptoms were that the baby wanted to eat very frequently, that mom had more milk than the baby ate at each feeding, big babies-everything seemed to fit perfectly, but since it seemed like breastmilk was more complicated than I originally thought, I didn't want to screw him up even more than he already was, so I decided I wouldn't do anything differently until I talked with a lactation consultant. 

That Sunday evening was really hard. Josh and I both were totally at a loss as to what to do with him. And I was dreading the next day because I was going to be on my own again. Add to that the fact that Meili had essentially been ignored for the last week while we were trying to figure out what was wrong with Grant. So she had 3 accidents in one day, and wasn't listening to a word either Josh or I said anymore. Plus, I of course was so exhausted, and I'm sure my emotions were influencing a lot of my decisions. 

I spent a good chunk of that Monday crying. I made 3 calls, one to the doctor's office and scheduled an appointment for Thursday, one to the lactation consultant and made an appointment for Friday, and one to my mom and asked her if we could come to her house on Wednesday just to maintain my sanity. Meili was really sweet, and whenever I was crying, she would ask if she could get me some water or one of her animals. That night I told Josh how hard the day had been, and Grant slept for hours in the swing, just to make me look like a crazy woman.

But from there it seemed to get better. He was still high maintenance but he didn't seem to be so uncomfortable and squirmy, and as long as someone was holding him, he was fine. So I kept my appointment with my mom, and it was so good just to get out of the house, and talk things over for a whole day. I ended up canceling my doctor's appointment and the appointment with the lactation consultant. And life was do-able again, but by no means easy.

I mentioned that Grant was fine as long as he was being held-which is difficult when you have a three year old, and a job, and dinner to make and laundry to do, etc. Plus, the Credit Union's merger was finalized this month, so Josh has been working about 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, and still going in on Saturdays. Then he has meetings for church on Sunday, Young Men's on Tuesday, basketball on Wednesdays... and the list goes on. I definitely feel like a single parent pretty often these days. On Monday of this week, we were feeding the senior missionaries in our ward. So most of the day I was focused on making sure that I got dinner in the oven etc. because it actually had to be done at a specific time as opposed to waiting until whenever I could get around to it like usual. I put Meili down for her nap, and figured I had a good 2 hours to get Grant to fall dead asleep so I could put him, and even if he only took a half hour nap, I could make it work. I rocked him for 45 minutes and he never really fell deep asleep. So I gave up when it was absolutely necessary. I put him in the swing, and he screamed the entire time I washed potatoes and put them in the oven (and woke Meili up, I might add.) I made the rest of the meal with him in a back pack screaming at me, and someone had to hold him the entire time the missionaries were at our house. 

On Tuesday, I decided that enough was enough. After researching online about crying it out, I decided it was time. (We had to let Meili cry it out, and it worked for her, but she was 10 months old. 2 months seems so young to me.) But I figured if he was going to cry non-stop regardless, we might as well let it be in the name of a good nap routine.

I waited till he was showing signs of being tired, swaddled him, and put him in his crib in a mostly dark room. He cried for 5 minutes. I went in and rubbed his belly and sang to him till he calmed down. He cried for 7 minutes and fell asleep. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT A TOTAL OF 12 MINUTES OF CRYING WAS STANDING BETWEEN ME AND HAVING A FUNCTIONAL LIFE AGAIN. He only took a nap for about a half an hour, (but you would be amazed what I can get done in a half an hour these days) then he would cry, fall asleep for another 10 minutes, cry, fall asleep for another 15 minutes, and I let him kind of continue that for about an hour total. When I went in to get him, I felt so bad because he had tears covering his face, and his eyes were so red. But like I said, our current lifestyle wasn't working for anyone-Grant included. 

On Wednesdays I have a friend who watches the kids during the day while I go to work. So I told her about letting him cry, and when I went to pick him up, she said that he had taken an hour nap, woke up, ate, and then slept for another 3+ hours. I think this kid was so sleep deprived, he didn't know which way was up.

As for today, it was the first day in a LONG time that we finally had nowhere to go, and Grant didn't spend half the day in a carseat. So I put him down wide awake for his first nap. He cried for 30 seconds, and slept for an hour. I put him down for his second nap. Again, he cried for less than a minute and slept for 3 hours. Then I put him down for a third nap, and after barely fussing, he slept for 45 minutes. I feel like we have a brand new baby, and I feel like a brand new mom. I did laundry, made dinner, played with Meili several times, even wrote a blog post. I hope this keeps up, because life was good today.

I feel like an idiot that the solution was so simple, but, hey, if I didn't make life more difficult for myself than it needed to be than I wouldn't be Kaleena.

I took a few pictures of our handsome man in his blessing outfit, since we didn't get many the day of. He sure is a cute little guy when he's not sleep deprived, and I like him a whole lot better when I'm not sleep deprived either.

Other milestones for the month:
-He has rolled over a few times. He would be better at it if we did tummy time more often, but when you have a baby who is already grumpy, tummy time doesn't sound as appealing.
-He's got a strong neck, and can hold his head up pretty well.
-He smiles, and has started to try to talk-which is my favorite thing in the world.
-For all the sleep trouble we've had during the day, he does pretty well at night. Around 11:00, it's really easy to get him to go to sleep, and he usually wakes up between 2 and 3, and then again between 6 and 7. But most of the time, he falls right back to sleep, which is the part that matters the most to me. I can feed him, I just can't stay up with him when he decides it's time to party.
-And Meili is still really awesome with her, and he just kind of puts up with it.

Blessing

First, some random pictures...

This was from a couple weeks ago, when Grant was less than a month old, with his cousin Brayden who was a little over a week old. What a difference a couple weeks makes, right?

I am told everyday how much Grant looks like Josh, so I thought it was only fitting that I get a picture in this outfit that says "Handsome like Daddy."

 Seriously... Is that not one of the cutest things you've ever seen? I couldn't resist snapping a shot of the two handsome men in my life doing what they do best.

 Proof that Meili's imagination can turn anything into a horse.

 Today was Grant's blessing. Can we just start by saying that I am a stresser. As always, I was so worried that he would have a blowout in his diaper, or he would cry through the whole blessing, or that Josh would drop him when all the men left the circle... (Yes, that was actually a concern of mine. We talked about it at Bunco, and apparently it happens. Plus, Grant is not the size of a typical newborn.)

However, overall, I don't think we could have asked for a more perfect day. The blessing was so beautiful, Grant did not cry or mess his pants, Meili was quiet (and with my sister-in-law) so I could actually listen, and we had a nice low-key party afterward with our families. We are so blessed!

(I just have to add, that when I showed Grant to Meili in his blessing outfit, she said, "I like his little bow!" Bow-tie; courtesy of Grandma Raylene.)

 A nearly perfect day, with very imperfect pictures. Sadly, this was the best family shot we got. Hey, what can I say? You win some you lose some.

...And we have some serious smiles at our house these days!

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Here's the truth about the first month as a family of 4...
First of all, I've realized that in a lot of ways, I got exactly what I asked for-but I've also learned that we don't always know what we want.
I've told many people that I don't love the newborn stage. When Meili was born, I absolutely loved everything about her, and I didn't want her to ever grow bigger, but then when she was about 1, I realized how much easier and more fun life got. So I tried so hard to get excited about having a newborn again, and enjoy every moment of Grant's life as much as I did Meili's. Well, having a baby born at 9 lbs. 8 oz. we pretty much did skip part of the newborn stage. I tried to put newborn clothes on him for about a day, and realized it just wasn't worth it and he's already in size 2 diapers.
We also said repeatedly that our next child was going to be an eater, because Meili has never been hungry a day in her life. Well, we got an eater-did we ever. And I've learned that there are actually some perks to having a child that doesn't eat. For instance, now I know that that's why Meili slept through the night from birth. Also, a child that doesn't eat, also doesn't poop, so it seems like we can't keep up on changing Grant. And, because Meili never got hungry, we got to determine her schedule, and I fed her every 3 hours exactly. But if we were out and couldn't feed her for 4 hours, she was none the wiser. Plus, we got like double the use out of her clothes as we will get out of Grant's. 
Grant, on the other hand, does get hungry. And then he sleeps for a little bit, poops, and the second he is awake he believes he needs to be eating again. For the most part, he eats every 3 hours, but sometimes it's more like every hour and a half-and it is always the second we are planning to leave the house. Every time I change his diaper, we go through 3. Because it doesn't matter how long I wait, the second he has a clean diaper on, he believes that he needs to do something about it. I think his record so far is 4 immediate diaper changes in a row. 
The good news about Grant being an eater is that breastfeeding is going much better. I'm still not a fan, but at this point, I feel like it's one of the only things I can really control to prevent him from getting sick, so it's totally worth it. And free is always better than the small fortune we spent on formula for Meili-and she barely ate.
Right now he's in size 0-3 month clothes, but we'll be lucky if they make it through the month of March. Some of his long sleeve shirts are already not so long sleeve.
I also don't remember feeling baby blues with Meili, and even this time, I think I made it through the first couple weeks fairly well. But not unscathed. With this birth, it hit me how unfair child birth is, and the odds are definitely stacked against you. First of all, a mother goes through nine rough months of being pregnant. By the end, even if your pregnancy isn't so bad, as mine was, you're exhausted, feel awful, you're emotionally spent. Then you deliver a baby (and we can't underplay how tough that is.) Within 1 hour of delivering the baby, you are expected to breastfeed-again not my favorite thing in the world, eat food, and move your very "done" body to a different room, different bed, etc. etc. After 2 days of no sleep in the hospital, you are sent home with a baby, knowing that it is not possible for you to get more than 3 hours of sleep for the next few months, because even if I don't physically feed Grant myself, I still have to pump or I will lose my milk. And on top of all that, you feel awful, your hormones are out of whack, and there is absolutely no one who can actually help you the way you want. People offer to bring meals, or watch your kids, or come over to keep you company. But guess what, you have to shelter yourself and your kids so that no one gets sick in the middle of RSV season. All I really wanted was a day of normal. I wanted to feel like I could go out of the house without being tied to another human being. I wanted to clean my house uninterrupted for a few hours. I wanted to spend fun time with my family, without feeling like we constantly had something to keep on top of-feeding, diaper changing, laundry, dishes, etc. I wanted to take the kids on a walk or have people over without feeling guilt about letting other people hold my baby who could possibly infect him. 
So as I said, I felt like we did okay getting through baby blues, but not unscathed. And sadly, Josh got the brunt of it. He came home to me crying for absolutely no reason a few times, and I definitely had some emotional outbursts that I wish would have gone differently. But honestly, I just kind of resented Josh (and not because "he did this to me," like they always say in the movies.) I resented him because he could sleep at night and I couldn't. And I resented him because I felt like I was being torn in seven different directions and he still seemed like he was able to relax. And I resented him because I felt fully invested in the family 100% of the time, and he seemed to kind of zone out. (Let me explain... because I don't blame him. Josh has been pretty stressed out at work lately. So I don't blame him for coming home from work and needing some time to recharge.) And he didn't really know what was bothering me, and was doing the best he could. He asks me all the time what he can do to help, most of the time when he is home, he ends up with Grant in his arms, while I frantically run around the house trying to get things done that have been piling up all day, and when he is barely conscious at night, he offers to take one feeding so I can sleep. Once I was finally able to put a label on exactly what I was feeling and what needed to change, and when I told Josh that, things have gotten a lot better and I don't feel like I'm doing everything on my own anymore.
So now for the good...
I love my little boy and every ounce of me knows that this is all worth it. I dread going to bed at night, and have to breathe deeply every time I get up with him, but as soon as I see his face and talk to him, I remember why we mothers keep doing this to ourselves.
Meili is such a sweet big sister, and I wish I had the sincerity, and patience that she has. I was so worried about her having to share attention, and I was so worried about her resenting this change in our family. But every single day, she sits with me and Grant and says over and over "I love his little hands. I love his little eyes. I love his little ears." She just can't wait to play with him and touch him. When he cries, she runs as fast as she can and brings one of her stuffed animals or toys with her. (Usually her glow baby because I know that is one of her biggest comforts.) And I love that she is just doing what she knows best. She also goes to him and says, "Don't worry. Big sister is here." or she sings to him (which I do with her when she's sad.) 
And as I've been thinking about this whole motherhood thing, I've been so incredibly grateful that I am given this opportunity. Being a mother is tough, and it's hard, and some days it is such a trial. But nothing is worth it that isn't hard. I look at how much I love my two kids, and know that it is only the tiniest part of how much our Heavenly Father loves his children. So he must have a lot of faith in me to entrust me with such special spirits.
So life, in our house, is anything but easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

Here are some more pictures from the first month...

 This was from a couple of the women who were in the Primary Presidency with me. So cute!

 And it seems like Meili and I make sugar cookies for just about every holiday we can. Meili decorated these herself and my brother/sister-in-laws were the lucky recipients.

I wish a picture could capture just how cute life is. I frequently find Meili like this, by Grant's side, either talking to him, or trying to cheer him up.

 Josh loved these pajamas on Meili, so I had to get a picture of Grant too. They're so soft that you just can't help but cuddle him.

 For Valentine's Day we made individual pizzas, and had red jello, and pink juice.

 My brother and sister-in-law got this outfit for Grant. I guess he's ready for his first deer hunt. Don't get him confused with the deer though!

A Lot Like Life

One of my Bunco friends was able to come at the last minute to do what she called a "Lifestyle" photo shoot a week after Grant was born. I didn't plan super well, and at the last minute realized that our "little" boy was not going to be little for very long, and Josh was going back to work, and I really wanted pictures with him. I actually really love that we got some candid shots in our own house. 

Minus some hormonal outbursts, and Grant spraying me down every time I change him, and minus all the laundry, and dishes, and crying etc, this is about what life is looking like at our house right now. (Or at least how I will choose to remember it.)

Meili kind of stole the show sometimes, but would you expect any different?

Birth Day

Throughout the month of December, I was in no hurry to have my baby. I still felt really good, and decided that I would rather, for the baby's sake, have him later in January, so that his birthday wouldn't get lumped together with Christmas. However, just like it happened with Meili, as soon as January hit, my feelings changed. I felt like a ticking time bomb, my stomach was in a time zone all its own, and because of the time off I scheduled from work, it would be really convenient to have the baby right in the middle of the month-no later. Josh really wanted the baby to be born on his birthday-the 10th so that some of the spotlight would be taken off of him, and that was the scenario that would give him the most consecutive time off work. 

At all of my appointments in January, it was the same story-no progress so far, and I wasn't having any serious contractions that made me think the baby was coming any time soon. I decided that my only chance for relief was the fact that my stomach was clearly SO HUGE. I was hoping that at 39 weeks (the earliest that the doctor could possibly induce me without reason) my doctor would say that I needed to be induced or the baby would be so big I would need a C-section. 

My appointment just so happened to be on Josh's birthday. The doctor walked in and said, "How are you doing?" "I'm fine." Then the doctor quickly said, "Except for the fact that you're still pregnant." I kind of laughed and thought "Yeah... there is that..." Then without missing a beat, she said, "Do you want to be induced?" My words caught in my throat. Is this a trick question? Is there another possible answer to that question that I'm not considering?

I talked it through with the doctor because I didn't want to be in labor for a really long time, or be forcing my body to do something it clearly wasn't ready for. The doctor didn't seem very concerned about either of those things, especially since this was my second. So we scheduled the induction for the 13th.

In theory, scheduling a birth sounds like a really great idea. I don't know if it's great for someone with a personality like mine. Already, knowing that I would probably go full-term, I tried to be super prepared-cleaned every surface in our house, was completely caught up on laundry, made freezer meals etc. But knowing the exact hour that I would give birth meant that I felt like I had no excuse to not be 1000% prepared. Plus, when I read a story to Meili I thought, "This is the last time we will ever be alone together." When I showered in the morning, I thought, "This is the last time I will ever shower uninterrupted by crying." (I'm exaggerating obviously, but it did kind of feel like my last day on earth.)

It also gave me the chance to get really nervous. The whole pregnancy, I was sure that something was going to go wrong. (I don't know why, but that was my gut feeling.)

Because Meili wasn't allowed in the hospital at all (flu season) we asked my mom to come stay with her. The hospital said that we should call at 5:00 on Monday morning, and they would tell us when we could check in. Of course, when we called they said that they had no record of us being scheduled to be induced, and I tried not to freak out. Although I was not excited about telling my mom that she had rearranged her whole schedule and stayed the night at our house for nothing. Luckily they called back about 15 minutes later and said that they went through the scheduled inductions for the week, and realized that we had been listed for the 15th, not the 13th, so they figured it was just an error on their part, and said that we could check in at 7:15. One benefit of scheduled births is that I got to shower and even do my hair before we checked in. (Since it was my last time ever :)

To make a long story short, they got me on pitocin as soon as we checked in and just kept upping the dose until I was finally having some kind of real contractions. The doctor tried to break my water earlier in the day (9 or 10), but she wasn't able to. So finally around noon, they said that she would definitely be able to break my water, so we waited and waited for the doctor to come back, and finally around 3, a nurse asked a different doctor to break my water-because my doctor was super busy at the time. When they checked me again around 4:30 or 5, they said that I was complete, and once the doctor was ready to go, I pushed for about 10 minutes and had the baby at 5:43. 

 All in all, I have very few complaints about the whole experience. Sure, I was uncomfortable. I hate having IVs in my arm, I hate having a rolled-up towel underneath my back, I had heartburn and was super hungry, etc. But as far as delivering a baby goes, I think we had it pretty good.

 I knew all along that this baby was big. My very first pregnancy symptom was being very hungry. I was worried I had gestational diabetes because I had to eat so often, then, the farther I got, the huger my stomach got. Like, I said, it was no surprise to me that our baby was big...

 I was just surprised at how big...

 9 lbs. 8 oz! You've got to be kidding me. And that was at 39 weeks. I overheard the nurses discussing with each other, "Would he be considered LGA?" I asked, "What does LGA mean?" Large for Gestational Age. I said, "He's 9 pounds 8 ounces, I'll say he's large for his gestational age!" Sure enough, yes, he was, which just means that he had to have his blood sugar monitored, but he was just fine.

 Now I said that the delivery wasn't too bad. Coming up with a name on the other hand? That was something similar to torture! I'd deliver him 3 more times just to not have to come up with a name for the poor child. 

I have said for months that if I were to name him myself, his name would be Grant. Josh was fine with the name, but didn't necessarily love it, and more importantly (to him) couldn't think of a nickname for the name Grant. However, he wasn't coming up with any other options. About a week before we had the baby, Josh said, "I'm really considering the name Kai." (which we had talked about in the past.) I really liked the name. However, taking into account the fact that we have a daughter named Meili, I didn't want to be "those people" who just really like vowels. Also, Kai is a chinese name, like Meili, and I also didn't want to be the white couple that has all the asian children. Lastly, we have a nephew named Kyle, and when it came down to it, I thought the two were just too close. But, like I said, I really liked the name. 

So we debated, and debated, and looked up the meanings of both of the names, and debated, and asked all of our nurses, and polled our families and friends, and debated, and came up with pros and cons lists for both, and debated, and tried to decide which name he looked more like, and debated, and asked our nurses again... I finally determined that we should flip a coin-as any good parents would do. Josh refused. I jokingly said, "Well, since you already won with Meili, I think it's my turn." (Which is totally not true. Josh suggested Meili, but we were both equally on board.) Josh said, "You're right. I think you should get to decide for this one." So very guiltily, I got my way, and exactly 10 minutes before we were discharged, filled out the birth certificate with no turning back. But Josh wants to make sure that everyone knows that I won one in our relationship.

 Here is our very small, but also kind of large, bundle of joy: Grant Louis Anderson.

 Meili was so excited to meet her baby brother. I missed her like crazy, so when we picked her up, I just wanted to hug her, and look at her, but she immediately said, "Where's my baby brother?" She was pretty sure his name was Ariel, and the first couple times we mentioned "Grant," she would correct us and say, "Ariel." But it didn't take too long to convince her, and now she is so in love. 

She has done really well with him so far. (She smothers him only as much as you would expect a 3 year old to smother a baby.) And whenever he cries she hurries to his side and says, "Don't worry. Big sister is here." I was so worried about making sure that she knew that our entire lives don't revolve around the baby, so I kept saying, "How about if just you and I do (whatever, something special)?" But she always adds, "Is Grant coming?" I think we don't give kids enough credit sometimes. She is not as self-centered as I thought she would be.

So far, everyone says that he looks like Josh. When Meili was younger, people thought she looked a lot like Josh but she is looking more and more like me the older she gets. But when I look at pictures of Grant, I feel like deja vu because it seems like we took the exact same pictures of Meili. Here are the similarities...

 (FYI, this jacket was when we actually attempted to put him in newborn clothes-that lasted exactly 2 days.)

Grant

 Meili (although not the best picture of her. This was when she had "old man hair" and Grant is definitely going to have that going on.)

So far, we sure do love him!

For the questions everyone loves to ask... He sleeps pretty well, I think. Meili was sleeping through the night by now, so we have unfair standards. But he usually wakes up about every 3 hours, but for the most part, he goes right back to bed after he eats, and that the important part to me. And he eats like crazy! He eats, and eats, and eats. Again, we have unfair standards, because I believe that still to this day, Meili doesn't know what it means to be hungry. But this kid is hungry all the time! (Which is good and bad. Breastfeeding is going much better than last time, and it's nice not to have to shove a bottle down his throat. But he isn't always hungry at convenient times.)

2 days after birth, he was 9 lbs. 2 oz., and at his 2-week checkup, he was 10 lbs. 11 oz.! Again, Are You Kidding Me? The doctor said, "He's average for a 6 week old." Yeah, that's about what he feels like to me.