The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Here's the truth about the first month as a family of 4...
First of all, I've realized that in a lot of ways, I got exactly what I asked for-but I've also learned that we don't always know what we want.
I've told many people that I don't love the newborn stage. When Meili was born, I absolutely loved everything about her, and I didn't want her to ever grow bigger, but then when she was about 1, I realized how much easier and more fun life got. So I tried so hard to get excited about having a newborn again, and enjoy every moment of Grant's life as much as I did Meili's. Well, having a baby born at 9 lbs. 8 oz. we pretty much did skip part of the newborn stage. I tried to put newborn clothes on him for about a day, and realized it just wasn't worth it and he's already in size 2 diapers.
We also said repeatedly that our next child was going to be an eater, because Meili has never been hungry a day in her life. Well, we got an eater-did we ever. And I've learned that there are actually some perks to having a child that doesn't eat. For instance, now I know that that's why Meili slept through the night from birth. Also, a child that doesn't eat, also doesn't poop, so it seems like we can't keep up on changing Grant. And, because Meili never got hungry, we got to determine her schedule, and I fed her every 3 hours exactly. But if we were out and couldn't feed her for 4 hours, she was none the wiser. Plus, we got like double the use out of her clothes as we will get out of Grant's. 
Grant, on the other hand, does get hungry. And then he sleeps for a little bit, poops, and the second he is awake he believes he needs to be eating again. For the most part, he eats every 3 hours, but sometimes it's more like every hour and a half-and it is always the second we are planning to leave the house. Every time I change his diaper, we go through 3. Because it doesn't matter how long I wait, the second he has a clean diaper on, he believes that he needs to do something about it. I think his record so far is 4 immediate diaper changes in a row. 
The good news about Grant being an eater is that breastfeeding is going much better. I'm still not a fan, but at this point, I feel like it's one of the only things I can really control to prevent him from getting sick, so it's totally worth it. And free is always better than the small fortune we spent on formula for Meili-and she barely ate.
Right now he's in size 0-3 month clothes, but we'll be lucky if they make it through the month of March. Some of his long sleeve shirts are already not so long sleeve.
I also don't remember feeling baby blues with Meili, and even this time, I think I made it through the first couple weeks fairly well. But not unscathed. With this birth, it hit me how unfair child birth is, and the odds are definitely stacked against you. First of all, a mother goes through nine rough months of being pregnant. By the end, even if your pregnancy isn't so bad, as mine was, you're exhausted, feel awful, you're emotionally spent. Then you deliver a baby (and we can't underplay how tough that is.) Within 1 hour of delivering the baby, you are expected to breastfeed-again not my favorite thing in the world, eat food, and move your very "done" body to a different room, different bed, etc. etc. After 2 days of no sleep in the hospital, you are sent home with a baby, knowing that it is not possible for you to get more than 3 hours of sleep for the next few months, because even if I don't physically feed Grant myself, I still have to pump or I will lose my milk. And on top of all that, you feel awful, your hormones are out of whack, and there is absolutely no one who can actually help you the way you want. People offer to bring meals, or watch your kids, or come over to keep you company. But guess what, you have to shelter yourself and your kids so that no one gets sick in the middle of RSV season. All I really wanted was a day of normal. I wanted to feel like I could go out of the house without being tied to another human being. I wanted to clean my house uninterrupted for a few hours. I wanted to spend fun time with my family, without feeling like we constantly had something to keep on top of-feeding, diaper changing, laundry, dishes, etc. I wanted to take the kids on a walk or have people over without feeling guilt about letting other people hold my baby who could possibly infect him. 
So as I said, I felt like we did okay getting through baby blues, but not unscathed. And sadly, Josh got the brunt of it. He came home to me crying for absolutely no reason a few times, and I definitely had some emotional outbursts that I wish would have gone differently. But honestly, I just kind of resented Josh (and not because "he did this to me," like they always say in the movies.) I resented him because he could sleep at night and I couldn't. And I resented him because I felt like I was being torn in seven different directions and he still seemed like he was able to relax. And I resented him because I felt fully invested in the family 100% of the time, and he seemed to kind of zone out. (Let me explain... because I don't blame him. Josh has been pretty stressed out at work lately. So I don't blame him for coming home from work and needing some time to recharge.) And he didn't really know what was bothering me, and was doing the best he could. He asks me all the time what he can do to help, most of the time when he is home, he ends up with Grant in his arms, while I frantically run around the house trying to get things done that have been piling up all day, and when he is barely conscious at night, he offers to take one feeding so I can sleep. Once I was finally able to put a label on exactly what I was feeling and what needed to change, and when I told Josh that, things have gotten a lot better and I don't feel like I'm doing everything on my own anymore.
So now for the good...
I love my little boy and every ounce of me knows that this is all worth it. I dread going to bed at night, and have to breathe deeply every time I get up with him, but as soon as I see his face and talk to him, I remember why we mothers keep doing this to ourselves.
Meili is such a sweet big sister, and I wish I had the sincerity, and patience that she has. I was so worried about her having to share attention, and I was so worried about her resenting this change in our family. But every single day, she sits with me and Grant and says over and over "I love his little hands. I love his little eyes. I love his little ears." She just can't wait to play with him and touch him. When he cries, she runs as fast as she can and brings one of her stuffed animals or toys with her. (Usually her glow baby because I know that is one of her biggest comforts.) And I love that she is just doing what she knows best. She also goes to him and says, "Don't worry. Big sister is here." or she sings to him (which I do with her when she's sad.) 
And as I've been thinking about this whole motherhood thing, I've been so incredibly grateful that I am given this opportunity. Being a mother is tough, and it's hard, and some days it is such a trial. But nothing is worth it that isn't hard. I look at how much I love my two kids, and know that it is only the tiniest part of how much our Heavenly Father loves his children. So he must have a lot of faith in me to entrust me with such special spirits.
So life, in our house, is anything but easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

Here are some more pictures from the first month...

 This was from a couple of the women who were in the Primary Presidency with me. So cute!

 And it seems like Meili and I make sugar cookies for just about every holiday we can. Meili decorated these herself and my brother/sister-in-laws were the lucky recipients.

I wish a picture could capture just how cute life is. I frequently find Meili like this, by Grant's side, either talking to him, or trying to cheer him up.

 Josh loved these pajamas on Meili, so I had to get a picture of Grant too. They're so soft that you just can't help but cuddle him.

 For Valentine's Day we made individual pizzas, and had red jello, and pink juice.

 My brother and sister-in-law got this outfit for Grant. I guess he's ready for his first deer hunt. Don't get him confused with the deer though!