Tender Mercies, Bitter Sweet, and Breathing

I know, without a doubt, that the Lord is constantly aware of us, our needs, and not only what we need in our lives, but exactly how we need it to come. What is the most amazing to me, is how surprised I am every time I learn this yet again. As I look back at the last year or so, I feel so blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord in my life.

Tender mercy #1: Being called as the Young Women Sport's Coach.

Okay, in all honesty, this could either be a tender mercy for me, or a cruel joke for the Young Women-either way it worked. I am completely aware that I am not a good enough coach to get the girls to their true potential in basketball, but I know that it was for a reason that I was called.

I went back to work in January of last year. My director said that I could bring Meili with me to work as long as she wasn't a distraction-which for most people was about 4 months old. I was determined to stretch that out for at least a year. But, yep, low and behold, it got really hard to get work done in about March. I asked a few friends to trade off watching her, but that never really worked well because, since they are moms themselves, there was always something coming up, one of the kids was sick, or they lived so far away that I was driving almost as long as I was working. In February I had received my calling, so by about April, I felt good enough about a few of the Young Women in the ward, that I was able to ask one of them if she would watch Meili a couple times a week. Which has been such a blessing, and worked so well.

Tender Mercy #2: We lost our daycare provider, Josh was called to be the Young Men's President, and he got a promotion at work all in one week.

In August, I needed to find someone else to watch Meili in addition to the young woman. We found someone that I felt "good enough" about, and on New Year's Eve, just a few months after I felt like we were finally adjusted, she called and said that she couldn't watch Meili anymore. She was only watching her 9 hours a week, and since infants require a higher ratio, she had to hire someone in order to watch Meili. So she was losing money. I understood, but really didn't want to have to find someone else. Then Josh got a promotion which meant a little more money, but also working later nights-which was primarily when I worked. Then he was called to be the Young Men's president, which I figured would take whatever nights we still had left. So I had no idea when I would be able to work and I figured between his raise, and what we were paying in gas and daycare, we would almost break even without me working. I told Josh that it was a sign that it was time for me to quit. I knew that the Lord was telling us that I needed to be home, and he would bless us so we could make it happen.

Josh was a little hesitant, in part, because of the extra income that we would be losing. But I think mostly because he knows my personality, and knew that I would be so sad to leave my job. It really wasn't a good time for me to leave anyway, so Josh said that we would find someone to watch Meili for the interim until I made my final decision.

Tender Mercy #3

At the end of January, Josh saw a job posting in the newspaper, and said, "Hey, isn't this what you do?". I had heard about it at my job but didn't really think anything of it. Josh said that I might as well apply, because it was for only 10 hours a week (as opposed to the 20 that I had been working), and he said it may work better. I was nervous about applying. It's a long story, but the job was to teach classes through Utah State, which we were already teaching a very similar class at our center. I knew that people at my job would be mad at me for leaving to do essentially the same thing, but I applied anyway.

See, for the last 2 months or so, I heard these song lyrics in my head almost everyday, "I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing."

That's how I felt. I wasn't being a good mom, I wasn't being a good wife, I was barely getting by in my callings, and I don't think I could even say that I was keeping my head above water at work. And it wasn't fair for Josh, my coworkers, my clients, me, and certainly not for Meili.

There have been a lot of people who have told me how much it breaks your heart when you leave your child with a babysitter and they just cry and cling to you. Yes, Meili did that, and it sucked, but for me it was harder when I got home and she was so excited to see me. I almost felt worse that she wasn't even holding it against. She just trusted me wholeheartedly again, even though she knew full well that we would go through it all again tomorrow.

So, I applied for the job. In the interview, they said that I would be able to do a majority of my work from home-and I was sold.

The whole process took about a month-for me to get hired, tell my current job, work 3 more weeks etc. And through that month+, I have gone through the whole range of emotions. I know I sound a little melodramatic, but I loved my job. I believed wholeheartedly in what I was doing. It was challenging. There was never a day that was the same as the day before. I loved my coworkers and I loved the clients that I was working with.

I worked at the center for 4+ years. So when I categorize my life, I can break it in to different periods of time: Elementary School, Jr. High, High School, College, and the CFSC, and I feel like that time defined me just as much, if not more, than all of the previous ones.

Anyway, I've babbled long enough. So I will say, that I am so sad that yesterday was my last day at the center. But I will also say that I know it's the right decision, and I know that this whole process has been filled with tender mercies from the Lord.

(I'm also really excited about my new job!-and not just the working from home, 10 hours a week part)

When I found out that I got the job, Josh got me the flowers in the picture at the top, and this is the card that he (and Meili) made me.

In case you can't read it, it says,

"Mommy,

Congratulations on getting the new job. We love you and know you will do an awesome job. Meili is so happy that she gets to spend more time with mom now.

Love, Daddy & Baby"

I cried, and remembered why I do everything I do.