Plans

This post is for me. If no one else ever reads it, that would be okay. But since I have pretty much altogether given up on writing in a journal, and I'm years behind on scrapbooking, this will be all that I can look back on years from now. And I need a constant reminder of the things I've been thinking for the last five months or so.

Meili and I have had a rough day today. Nothing big. We just woke up with different plans in mind. My plan was to clean our entire house, run 6 miles, take a nap, shower, etc. and her plan was to be held all day, not want to eat, take 30 minute naps, then get so hungry that she is grumpy, but still not want to eat because she is too tired-and then we do it all over again. So I've had a lot of time to just kind of sit and think today. Unshowered, unexercised, staring at my messy house. But then I started crying when I was reading the story of the Three Trees to Meili. This is the last page...

"Sometimes, the dreams that we have for ourselves are much smaller than the dreams that God has for us. The three trees' dreams came true, just not in the way they imagined. And so it is with each of us. For if we follow God's path, we will travel far beyond even our greatest dreams."

So now we back up about 8 years... I've always liked kids, and always knew that I wanted to be a mother, but figured that it would happen after I had lived my life. My first semester of college, I called my mom and told her that I had my life figured out. I was going to graduate in 3 years with a bachelor's degree in Psychology-(because that's what I was interested in, but lead to no career path whatsoever), then I would serve a mission, come home and go to law school. After law school, I was going to get my PhD in Psychology. Somewhere in there, I was also going to go to cosmetology school, so that once I did get married and have kids, I could do hair in the basement of my house, teach guitar lessons, and tutor high school students in Calculus. Then getting married, and kids would just kind of find their way into my plan, and they would fit into MY life-not the other way around.

Then we fast forward to the summer of 2009. I had just run the Utah Valley Marathon and the Ragnar Relay, and Josh and I were getting ready to go on a cruise. I started thinking about the next marathon I wanted to run, and then the next and the next. I also started planning all the vacations that I wanted to go on for the next 5 or so years. All of a sudden it dawned on me... I was perfectly happy. And I felt like I could be happy running marathons and going on vacations for the rest of my life. The real reason that I started thinking that we should have a baby was because I was too comfortable just focusing on the two of us forever. I started wondering where it would stop. At what point would I be willing to sacrifice enough to start a family? So then came my next brilliant plan. I decided that if Josh and I got pregnant that fall, I could have a baby in the spring just in time to start training for another marathon. I originally told Josh that we would try for 3 or 4 months, and then if I didn't get pregnant, we would just wait until the following year-because there was no way I was going to give up a summer.

As the old saying goes, "Life is what happens when you start making plans."

My whole perspective changed when I realized a small portion of what it feels like to want to have a baby and not be able to.

And so, for the last 5 months, clean or dirty house, new or messy diaper, health or sickness, and no matter how much sleep I've gotten, I feel like I understand just a little bit the better plan that God had in store for me.

This is my better plan...

I chose this picture because, although it's not the best picture of Meili, this is when I remember how sweet she is and how lucky we are. Right before she goes to bed, when she's really tired, she just looks up and stares at me, and makes the cutest little noises. It helps me remember that even though she's my daughter, more importantly- she's a daughter of God, and I am so blessed that He let me borrow her for a little while.

And, of course, this is the other half of my better plan...

What would I do without this crazy nut?